A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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