I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize