FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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