I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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