I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
