Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
