It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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