Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
