I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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