I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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