is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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