A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize