mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
