I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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