I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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