Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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