Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize