I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
