I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
