your parents love me but you hate me
Your face is a jimmy john
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I supernannyed him into submission
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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