she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
