Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
