Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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