Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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