oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
