I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
