did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
