The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
