fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I would fuck him just for his dog
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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