Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
