you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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