Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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