If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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