once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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