dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
