The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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