I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
