Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
