btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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