I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
