Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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