I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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