Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Randomize
