What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
