I wannas sexs uuuuu
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
