ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i've created a new STD.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize