I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
