Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
