How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am puke
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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