I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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