literally had 100 drinks last night.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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