If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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