Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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