the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
