Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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