it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
