I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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