ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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