Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
