Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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